This Is Me...Deal With It!
Ok, here I am. I'm slightly older, (some might say middle-aged), but my mind isn't a day over 20. I've led a pretty harsh childhood full of physical and mental abuse that left me somewhat damaged. My father used to drink a lot and was addicted to gambling. He also had a hell of a temper and used to take it out on us kids every day. Punishments became pretty creative after awhile, depending on what was closest at hand to hit us with, or what may have broken during the beatings. My mom has always been narcississitic and she has a need to be the absolute center of attention, even if she denys it. I don't even think she realized just how badly dad treated us, because she was rarely there to help us out. Maybe she just didn't want to get caught in the mess. Whatever the reason, because of all that I have endured, I have developed extremely low depressive mood swings, but some pretty high good moods too. I hate the mood swings! What a roller coaster it can be at times, and woe to those caught in the wake of one of my major mood changess. Over the years I had become withdrawn and suspicious of everyone. I would think that everyone had alterior motives and were just trying to set me up for another fall. I closed in upon myself and learned how to hide the hurt inside. Those that saw me usually thought I was in a good mood and smiling all the time, but it was just a facade to keep prying eyes away from what was really there.

I have been attempting to control my instability in the beginning by meditation. That worked for quite awhile, but things just got worse over time. I just wasn't able to release everything that was stored up inside of me. I then tried stabilizing myself for awhile now with medications, which was pretty hit-or-miss in the beginning with all the trial and error of different drugs, but that's how my shrink wanted to handle it though. He seemes to think I am borderline manic-depressive (or was that bi-polar?). *sigh*  Recently though, the meds that I've been taking aren't having the same desired effect, so I have turned again to meditation and working with stones and crystals as an alternate method. It seems to help more not that I understand the process better. I need to get free of these drugs. At times they make me feel "blah" and "numb" and indifferent towards things around me. I would like  to feel good about myself again.

Within these pages you will see several sides of my mind. Some are light and happy, some are artistic, and some are downright scary. Everyone has those sides, so I suppose I'm not
that much different than any of you, just perhaps a little more extreme. While reading about my nightmares, don't forget to use the "panic buttons" located near intense passages if things get to be too much for you. They will whisk you away to happier places. This site was intended for mature audiences and that's why I have the disclaimer at the entry page, so if'n ya don't like it, then change da stinkin' channel! I take no responsibility in how these pages may affect the reader. Other than that little disclamer, I take full responsibility for everything else I choose do in life.

I'm sometimes online  late at night on either Yahoo or AIM, but I'm always available by email. Give me a holler sometime...if you dare.


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